I Blamed Him for the Divorce — Until I Learned the Truth, and That Changed Everything
It’s so easy to point the finger at someone else when we’re hurt. Blame almost makes you feel like a balm — it dulls the pain. If they did something wrong, then we don’t have to sit in the discomfort of wondering where we may have gone wrong. It’s less painful to be mad at someone else than it is to turn the lens inward and risk feeling shame, regret, or self-blame.
I know this because I lived it.
After my divorce, I had what felt like a clear case: my ex had betrayed me emotionally (and probably sexually) over and over again. He flirted with other women in front of me. At playgrounds. At our daughter’s birthday parties. In our home.
Everyone around me said the same thing: He’s the problem. You did your best. You were the good one.
And you know what? That felt good to hear. I needed to believe it. But somewhere deep inside, something didn’t sit right. Because if I was truly the victim, if I had no part in the mess, then why did I feel so stuck? So powerless? So hollow inside? How would I ever be able to attract the perfect man?
It wasn’t until one evening, sitting alone in my pain, that I picked up a journal and started writing. Not about him — but about me. About my relationships. My choices. My pain.
I realized that aside from my very first boyfriend, every man I had chosen made me feel the same way: invisible – a heartbreaking, unconscious pattern. Each relationship followed a similar cycle: they’d pursue me with intensity, I’d begin to open up, and then, slowly but surely, they’d begin to drift. Or seek attention and validation from other women which made me feel like crap. Or act out in ways that made me question my worth.
It was like I was stuck in a movie that kept playing on loop. Why did I keep attracting the same kind of person?
That night, I realised clearly that I was the common denominator.
It was painful. But it was also one of the most empowering realizations of my life. Because if I had chosen these men, then I had the power to also choose differently. Taking responsibility for my choices didn’t mean taking blame for someone else’s behavior. It meant acknowledging that I had been unconsciously picking the kind of men who could never truly see or value me — because deep down, I didn’t fully see or value myself.
Why Was I Attracted to People that Didn’t Love Me Back?
When I traced this pattern further, of course I landed in my childhood. My father wasn’t a womanizer. In fact, he barely noticed women or anyone outside of his work. He was brilliant, respected, and completely married to his career. And as his daughter, I felt invisible.
No matter how hard I tried to get his attention, to impress him, to be “good enough,” I never quite felt like I did enough – my A- grade was not enough. Why not an A+. Wow, really?
He was a great guy, and one of those emotionally unavailable men. And that emotional absence shaped my understanding of love and seeking the wrong guy. It became my blueprint. Love meant working hard to be seen. Love meant proving myself. Love meant attract guys who weren’t available and then blaming them when I felt unseen.
Unconsciously, I had been recreating the emotional atmosphere of my childhood. Not because I liked it, but because it was familiar. It was what I knew. And in some twisted way, I kept hoping I could rewrite the ending.
But what I didn’t realize is that healing doesn’t happen by repeating the same story and expecting a different outcome. Healing begins when we wake up to the pattern and gently, courageously, choose a new path.
Yes, my ex hurt me. Yes, he acted in ways that were deeply disrespectful. And yes, I still believe in holding people accountable for their actions. But I also believe in holding myself accountable for the choice to stay. For the choice to pick someone like him in the first place.
Because until I took ownership of that choice, I kept waiting for something outside of me to change. And the truth is, the only thing I can ever truly change is myself.
That ownership didn’t come all at once. It came in waves. Sometimes gentle, sometimes brutal. There were moments of deep grief as I realized how long I had abandoned myself in desperately want of someone else’s love. There was guilt. There was sadness. But eventually, there was also forgiveness.
Not just for him. For me.
I forgave myself for not knowing better. For needing validation. For staying too long. For thinking love had to be earned.
And I forgave him, too.
Not because he deserved it. But because I deserve peace.
Attracting Someone That Will Love You Back
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean letting someone back in. It means freeing yourself from the emotional tether that keeps you stuck in the past. For me, change looked like this:
- Honoring myself by no longer putting myself in situations where I’m not respected. I hope you don’t put yourself in situations where you get less than you deserve.
- Making choices from awareness, not wounds. Really see the red flags.
- Letting go of hatred, because I know now that he was repeating the only model of love he ever saw. His father was a womanizer. That pattern didn’t start with him. It won’t end with me. Holding onto resentment takes up room where love could live.
- Creating space for real love, and going for guys that align with my values and life.
