There’s a quote often attributed to Anaïs Nin that says:
“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.”
At first glance, it sounds poetic. But when you really sit with it, it’s radically humbling and radically empowering.
Because it means this:
Before we point a finger…
Before we blame…
Before we assume someone’s intentions…
We have to be willing to look inward.
And that takes courage.
The Lens We Don’t Even Know We’re Wearing
Every one of us walks through life seeing the world through a personal filter shaped by our childhood, our wounds, our insecurities, our beliefs, and even our fears.
Two people can experience the same moment…
and walk away with completely different interpretations.
Not because one of them is lying, but because each of them is seeing through their own lens.
A Real-Life Example (Not About Blame but About Awareness)
Recently, I hired a few web developers. One after another, the work came in late. By the third delay, I was frustrated and ready to assume the problem was “out there.”
Then, during a conversation with a friend, I heard myself say:
“I wonder if it’s my energy.”
And instantly, I knew it was true.
After the first developer delivered late, I became anxious. I started expecting disappointment. My energy shifted into neediness and worry. And whether you call it manifestation, nervous system signaling, or basic psychology — I was unconsciously creating the very outcome I feared.
It wasn’t about blame.
It was about recognizing that how I showed up influenced what I experienced.
We do this in relationships all the time.
How Our Past Shapes What We See
When I was growing up, both of my parents worked constantly. They were loving and hardworking, doing their best to give us a stable life, but they didn’t have time to play, connect, or be present.
Without realizing it, I internalized a belief:
“Attention is not available. I’m on my own.”
Fast-forward into adulthood, and guess what I gravitated toward?
Relationships where I felt unseen.
It wasn’t comfortable, but it was familiar.
And the nervous system clings to what’s familiar, even if it hurts.
I even once dated someone who was attentive and genuinely present. You’d think that would feel amazing. But it didn’t. I sabotaged it because love and presence were unfamiliar territory. I didn’t know what to do with that kind of attention.
Later, when I finally became aware of this pattern, something fascinating happened:
I started seeing that pattern everywhere.
A partner chatting with a stranger?
I interpreted it as flirting.
Someone being busy?
I saw it as rejection.
Their behavior wasn’t personal, but my interpretation was.
I wasn’t seeing them.
I was seeing my past.
What Triggers Us Is Usually About Us
When a client tells me:
- “They’re disrespecting me.”
- “They’re ignoring me.”
- “They don’t care about me.”
…I always ask:
“Is that the truth? Or is that your interpretation?”
A trigger is not proof of someone else’s wrongdoing.
A trigger is a map…pointing us to something inside that needs attention.
Often people go to extremes:
They either blame the other person for everything…
or
They blame themselves and spiral into shame.
Neither leads to growth.
The sweet spot is this:
Curiosity.
Not “Who’s wrong?”
But “What’s actually happening here?”
Especially During the Holidays…
This season brings family dynamics, expectations, old wounds, nostalgia, and stress. It’s the perfect time for triggers to flare.
So here’s the invitation:
Pause before reacting.
Ask yourself:
- Am I seeing reality… or am I seeing through the eyes of my younger self?
- Is this person really attacking me… or are they just being who they are based on their upbringing?
- If I’m wanting someone to be more present, loving, grateful…am I being those things?
Instead of assuming, get curious.
Instead of reacting, breathe.
Instead of taking things personally, consider compassion.
The 8-Year-Old Lens
We all carry younger versions of ourselves inside us, especially the parts that didn’t feel seen, safe, loved, or chosen.
When we get triggered, that younger part often grabs the steering wheel.
Suddenly we’re not 40, 50, or 60 years old.
We’re emotionally 8.
The question is:
Do you want your 8-year-old running your relationships?
If you notice yourself shrinking, panicking, or spiraling:
- Pause.
- Take a slow breath.
- Ask: What perspective would I have if I wasn’t scared or triggered right now?” “If I stepped into my mature, grounded self, how would I interpret this differently?
Let the wiser part of you lead.
And When Someone Else Is in Their 8-Year-Old?
Because trust me; it’s not just you.
When someone snaps, shuts down, gets defensive, or acts cold… it might not be about you at all. It might be their younger self showing up.
That’s when compassion becomes powerful.
Not as an excuse.
Not as self-abandonment.
But as a reminder:
Everyone is fighting invisible battles.
3 Guiding Questions to Shift Your Perspective
Next time something triggers you, try this:
- Am I responding to the present or my past?
- How would my higher self handle this moment?
These three questions alone can change an entire relationship.
You don’t have to get it perfect.
You don’t have to blame yourself or others.
You just have to stay aware.
Because the moment you realize:
“Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s my lens.”
…you become free.
Free to choose a new interpretation.
Free to shift your energy.
Free to create a new pattern.
Free to see things and people more clearly.
And that’s where healing begins.
Happy Holidays!!
Warmly
Linda
linda@breathbodyconnection.com
